Chapter 23
The breeze lifts the curtains, bringing the cool morning air into the cottage.
I shiver, then pull the blanket up to my chin, and lean closer to J. As my head rests on his warm chest, the slow rise and fall of his breathing softens the anxiety I have been feeling throughout the night.
No sleep. No Visions.
Just fear and jagged thoughts clenching my heart, my body rigid from uncertainty. As if walking on a narrow mountain
ridge, I kept falling one side then the other. The decisions kept changing from one moment to the next, and yet still, after hours of intense processing using all the gen-modified advancements I have to find the best, most optimal solution, I’m left with nothing.
The best thing J could do is go with me.
The worst thing J could do is go with me.
I sigh and close my eyes, my eyelids sore as if scraping on a sandy surface.
“You’re awake.” J’s voice is only a whisper.
“Yes. I couldn’t sleep.”
“I kept waking up too.” J rubs his eyes, then breathes out.
“Are you sure today is a good day to go? I mean, you haven’t slept at all. I barely slept. This is not the best of days to start such a trip. What do you think?”
“There will always be another reason to postpone, another reason to stay.” I sigh, the air leaden with heavy weight.
“Is that such a bad thing?”
I don’t answer. How can I, when I myself am struggling too, fighting off the selfish craving for the beautiful Earth life we
could have together, while thousands, millions of others, suffer?
But in truth, there is no debate, because the answer is so clear, so obvious, that the question shouldn’t be posed at all.
“I can’t change my decision, J. I’m sorry. I couldn’t live with
myself knowing what I know and refusing to go, refusing to help, just so that I can enjoy my life.”
J squeezes his arms around me. “I understand. And I’m sorry for suggesting it. I hope you don’t think less of me.”
I manage to smile. “J, I could never think less of you, and I understand your view extremely well.” I fight the same doubts.
“I wish…” he starts, “I wish we had more time, here, on Earth.”
The cold encloses my heart in ice. He doesn’t think we will be back. And he still wants to come with me.
The dull pressure around my chest changes, its thorny grip crushing my heart now. My throat is shut tight and it burns as if filled with embers, rendering me speechless.
J tightens his hug and says, “But it will be all right. It has to be all right, because… well, because I want more time with you. What we had is simply not enough. I want more.” He tilts his head so he can look at me. “And we’ll make it. We’ll manage.”
And we kiss, long, soft, and covertly tragic, making my eyes sting under my closed eyelids. J shifts so my head is resting on his chest again, and just like before, in some primal, ancient way, this calms me down, slowing my heartbeat, distancing my thoughts as if they are insignificant items on the ground. And then from one moment to the next, I can see them clearly, for I am above it, the ambiguity I have been feeling all night—gone.
I know now what I need to do.
He kisses my hair and says, “It will work out all right. Don’t you worry.”
I sigh, a strange mix of contentment and sadness in one. Yes, it will. “We should probably go,” I say. “The more I wait, the
more nervous I get.”
We get up and get dressed with no words.
I put on my old dark-gray skinsuit and attach my E-band, then slide my fingers into the belt pocket, making sure the APC is there. I will need it for rec-hibe. My fingers touch the BD chip as well. I take it out, wondering if I need it. BD308 was insistent I take it with me just before I ported away from Lorea. I nod to myself and slide it back into the thin pocket.
J clicks Stevanion’s device onto his forearm and within a few passes we leave the cottage, the forest waking up around us. It is fresh, the grass covered in dew, making our footing slippery and our advance slow, but within moments w reach the base of Jump Hill.
I halt, looking up at the top. There is nothing there warning me of danger, but still my heart is beating wildly as if I have been sprinting.
J is staring at the hill just like me. Then he looks at me and smiles, squeezing my hand in his. “Remember, we are in this
together.” Then he steps forward, pulling me along, while my heart swells against a painful grip.
At the top, the ground is covered with beaten soil; most of the grass is gone, since so many people have landed on this very spot.
J turns to look at me, his eyes deep and confident. “Are we ready for an adventure?”
I nod, but my throat closes shut once again and I lean into him, closing my arms around his powerful, muscular body. I lean my cheek against his chest, feeling the warmth and the speeding heart beneath.
J closes his arms around me, resting his head on mine. “It will be okay, my Dora Dana Dasnan.”
“Farrell,” I whisper.
He laughs. “Very true, Mrs. Farrell, very true… We will make it, Dora. And we will come back. Safe and sound.”
I close my eyes, blocking the tears from escaping.
Then I pull away, avoiding his gaze.
I look at my E-band. “I need to—” My voice breaks in the middle of the sentence. I swallow, then clear my throat to
continue. “I need to adjust your E-band. Can you bring it closer?”
J reaches out so that his device is close to mine. I swipe new commands on my E-band, then move to his device and make adjustments.
“All good?” J asks.
“Yes, I just need to… sync the devices, that’s all.”
“Got it,” J says, then looks at the horizon. “Wow, this is beautiful. Look!”
Just finished with the devices, I look in the same direction: The breaking dawn outlines a thin amber line over the dark
shadow of the rainforest.
And it truly is beautiful. I smile. What an unforgettable farewell view this is. Within moments, the thin line widens into a glowing ribbon, expanding into a bright globe, as the sun comes out, forcing me to look away, my eyes back on J. Half of his face is in shadow, but the other half is bathed in that same amber glow, his dark eyes a spectacular contrast to his golden skin. I lift my palm to his face and stroke it. “Time to go.”
He takes a deep breath, taking a last look at the golden caps covering the crowns of the forest. My heart is beating wildly now, my palms sweating, as I slide the final commands on my E-band, hoping he won’t notice my anxiety.
“Dora?” His smile is gone. He’s looking at my trembling hands. “What is going on?”
“I’m sorry, J. I love you too much.”
He opens his eyes wide. “What do you mean too much?”
Too much to let you come with me. “I will come back,” I say, but my voice is distorted into a moan by a transfer pull.
He reaches out for me, trying to grab me, but his arms only pass through air.
“Dora, don’t do this!” he yells.
“I will come back…” And I’m gone into the black nothing, hearing only the agonizing echo of his despair.